Yesterday my youngest son attempted suicide. What do you say after that? An author at a loss for words…oh, the irony. Life is filled with this and so many unexpected things. It is worth living just to find out how it all turns out. I think it is. Then again, I have always been a bit too curious for my own good.
I guess I should start with some of the things I told you about this world. I am going to hope this time you do not write off my words as “crap from crazy asshole Dad”. I hope this time you will take my words as something, any true friend would tell another, because they care.
This world is cruel, unfair, and everyone on this planet lies. Now I know this is a very harsh and jaded assessment of this planet and people…but it is the truth. Believe it or not, I was not born jaded. The world, my so-called friends, and even my very own family showed me these things were true. They taught me by their actions. People will always show their true colors by what they do, never by what they say. In fact, those who often do the greatest harm to others, are usually the same vipers who spill out lies and misdirection quite fluently. I have often found listening to someone speaking the harsh cold truth a billion times more trust-worthy, than anyone with honey coated lies, speaking the things you want to hear.
You have to learn the simple things everyone learns earlier and perhaps as a parent, I was remiss in not telling you these things. You see, I did not want you to end up as jaded as I am. I did what any good parent is supposed to do. I protected you from this world, mayhap too much. That is now ended. Read my words and learn my son, please!
You must shield your heart. Put up huge iron doors and never let anyone past it. The world and the people in it, will take advantage of any and every weakness they think they see. Some people can feel no satisfaction in their lives unless they can, at least in their mind, put themselves above others. This is why you must build that wall and keep everyone out, but a few that have proven beyond a doubt, to be worthy of your trust. You must never feed the jackals!
People who do not fall into your circle of trust are not worth your time to listen to. They are not worth your time of tears. Their words have no weight because they don’t completely know and UNDERSTAND you. What matters is what you KNOW about yourself. It is easier to find a fool with plenty to say. It is far harder to find a friend who says what really matters. Be vigilant in what words you allow to enter your mind and stay there. Always look at the source of the knowledge before deciding its validity.
You must learn the art of two faces. Everyone wears at least two faces. There are no exceptions. Even I do not act exactly the same in public as I do in private. Some people do this because of their job and others do it simply because they know the world would not like them. Every person you meet in life is a lie. They have built this exterior mask to hide their true selves. Remember this when that person tells you they are not like that. They are…everyone is. I am not saying everyone does this for the same reasons. Some do it to protect themselves. However, there are many that do this for nefarious reasons. Only when they show you what lies beyond their second face, will you actually know, if you should show them your true face.
Life is filled with problems…and solutions. Let me say that again. Life is filled with problems and solutions. There is always a solution even if you don’t see it. I have overcome so many things in this life to be here today, typing to you. I have survived a corrupt and alcoholic family. Moving away from all my friends. Living on the street. Spending a year and half behind substantially hard bars. I survived alcoholism, drug addictions, poverty, injuries, diseases, accidental OD, 22 yrs. of parenthood, marriage issues, broken dreams, and lastly, I will survive your death, if you make me.
It must make you wonder how a person who has been abused, shunned, hated, and treated unfairly, his entire life, is still surviving. I already told you how. Life has many problems and solutions. That is the secret. Life has a way of working itself out…if YOU just give it time. Life is a long and very blind path. You can never see ahead, but if you have patience, it will show you the way. One must learn to look at the big picture in order to see what life is trying to show us. If you had been doing that, you would have seen what an negative PERMANENT impact your death would mean to others. Does your daughter deserve to have no father? Does your mother, who is very definition of kindness, deserve to spend the rest of her life wondering if she could have saved you? Even I, who changed your diapers and read you bedtimes stories, do I deserve it too?
Believe me, I know this is your life, but your life affects others. Only you get to decide how and what you leave behind. Please consider all I written here today. If I taught you nothing else in your life, please at least consider these words here. YOU are more important than you can ever dream of Tanis! Go out into the world, armed with these words and make your life matter. Only you can do this! Be careful, but also, be without fear. We are always here if you need us. Never be afraid to ask for help. EVERYONE needs help from time to time. Sometimes that is the solution. Suicide never is. The problems only multiply after you are gone.
I wish I knew more about why this happened and that I could give more specific advice. However, your wife has deemed me unworthy of communication, even though we have never spoken. I respect her wishes, but will draw a line whenever I see my son this unhappy. Reach out to your mom and tell her everything. We can work on finding a solution to the current issues…WHATEVER they may be.
I know you don’t believe in God. Remember that the next time you even consider this. No belief in God means…only one life. No second chances. No redemption. No heaven. When it is over, that is it! One Life (I wrote a poetic piece titled this), no more. Make that one life, a life worthy of remembering. Make it special. Make it magical!
Love ALWAYS, Dad