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Too many memories… Too much pain. Too much loneliness. It was not the act of bullying that did this. It was all the bad memories it unlocked. The years of physical, mental, and verbal abuse from my family and classmates. The years of loneliness, abandonment, and hate. The words…the words that were spoken too many times by too many people. You will never amount to anything. Your useless, your weird, you’re an asshole, your mean, your bad. Your an idiot. You are nothing.

I thought after 22 years of raising kids and being a good guy. 22 years of doing the right thing. 22 years of being there and protecting them, I would finally get a reprieve. I would finally after all the years of abuse and of being a good person I would get a break. I can see now that is not the truth.

The truth has finally been revealed to me. I shall be made to suffer forever. I will never get what I deserve or earned. This will never happen because the world hated me from the moment I was conceived and WILL hate me until I die.

I so want to pick up the gun. I so want to use it. My wife should not have left me alone today. But as with everything else, the world just keeps taking anything I care about away. Maybe I will make it through this day. Maybe not…I am sure only one person will miss me if I didn’t. Maybe that is the only reason I am still alive to type this.

I think I need a vocation from life. Maybe a mental institution would give me that. It is all just too much for me to think clearly on it.

It’s just too much…

JB

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